I need... I must... I should try to adjust.

When musts and shoulds become wants and would likes...

Wow, the walking party was crowded last week... Just when my Imposter Syndrome rocked up to the party, Illness decided to derail the journey too. So, my last post's BE MORE TORTOISE mantra, became be more sloth... or at least a sloth in tortoise clothing. You just can't walk when you haven't got enough energy to get out of bed, so all the best laid plans of hill walks, fast walks and long walks were put on hold. So, I retreated and rested... If only my brain had got the memo!

I don't know about you, but when my body slows down, Felicity (my chatterbox) works overtime- constantly constantly telling me I should... I need... I must. It felt like harsh (and unwarranted) criticisms of all the things I wasn't doing and it left me feeling sad, anxious and frustrated. So it's no surprise that my mental health took a nose dive along with my physical health. But this time, after days of recuperating, and in the spirit of being brave. I challenged back. I was ill and this was a temporary bump in the road and in true tortoise style I would start slowly back on my path when I was well enough. But it started me thinking about the words my chatterbox uses, the unrealistic demands they place on me and how this impacts how I feel about myself, others and LIFE in general. And I've since learnt of the term 'Musterbating' (thanks Lisa), a term coined by psychologist Albert Ellis.

Fast forward a week and I'm back on my feet, and me and my boys are heading to the South Coast for the weekend. My OH had kindly bought the trip to Southsea for my birthday as I had lived there whilst at Portsmouth University in the late 90's and I hadn't been back for 25 years (I mean, a quarter of a century since I'd been at Uni was not something I was ready to admit, but here we are). I was really excited to go back and also to share that part of my life with my boys. But no sooner had we arrived and the 'Musterbating' started. Not necesaarily out loud (this time!) but my thoughts go something like this... I need to get some steps in, I must go for a million mile hike, I should be walking. But this time I catch myself, and think about how I could reframe these thoughts. In the words of the great Eckart Tolle 'Awareness is the greatest agent for change' and I know what's going on here. And as I don't want to spend the whole weekend feeling stressed, I changed the musts and the shoulds to wants and would likes. I want to walk. I would like to enjoy the city that was once home. I will spend quality time with my boys (two teenage ones, so time together away from screens is precious) on the most gloriously sunny weekend in February.

So, together we walked along the sea front for as far as we could... that way its win-win. I'm walking... I'm in the moment... I'm enjoying being with my boys. We walked 7 miles that afternoon, stopping in the penny arcades, fishing on the beach, eating ice creams whilst we watched the hovercraft land and basking in the sunshine of a wonderful pub garden. And then we did it all again in reverse, only this time with a lot less fishing, eating and drinking and a lot more moaning (but what's a family day out without a few teenage grumbles!)

The next day, I headed our alone (the boys wanted to watch their beloved Coventry City) and wandered the streets of my old stomping ground and it would count as training. Win-win again! So, I walked where my feet took me. I marveled at the unchanged beauty of the beach, I reveled in all the fabulous green spaces- reliving memories of football matches on the green and carefree summer evenings. I appreciated the Victorian splendor standing strong on corners and woven within nooks and crannies of ever changing facias. The familiar, in the unfamiliar. A bit like me, really! The girl I once was, skipped on the wind, surfed the sun beams and and smiled from the windows. Like the Victorian architecture, the reflection staring back may have been weathered by time, battered by the tides, and remodeled by evolving roles, but it's core was still strong. Solid. My Uni days may have been spent in a haze of reckless abandon (and Two dogs and Blastaways), but I walked the city streets sober, with purpose and a dogged determination... until I was distracted by the lure of the second hand shops (but walking is walking, even if its inside a shop, right?) One pink, buttery-leather bag and an ankle length denim skirt later, I headed home.

But, the closer I go the the apartment, the louder I 'musterbated' but this time it stopped me in my tracks. I realised that I do this in all areas of my life- writing, exercise, careers goals and even socialising- so no wonder it often feels like I can never meet my own expecations. But, you know what, in the last two day, I had still achieved my goal of 'getting the steps in' (over 15 miles) and it was a much more pleasant and enjoyable journey without the pressure of shoulds, needs and musts. So, I'm officially declaring myself as a 'musterbation' free zone. If we can make ourselves feel better in our pursuit of our goals, or the changes we want to make in our life, by rephrasing them as wants and would likes, well- that's win-win too. And anyway, I've got two months till the reality of 120 kms in 6 days actually hits, so I should... I mean, would like to enjoy the journey rather than focus on the destination.