The one where... Mrs Imposter Syndrome shows up to the party.

You didn't think you were walking this path without me? You didn't think you could walk this path at all? Did you?

So here I am, meandering through the Camino clouds with a couple of longer-than-my-walk-to work walks under my belt, when Mel in our walking whats-app group (entitled El Camino De Santiago, what else?) mentions the T word... Training Plan. I knew it was coming, I knew it was something I'd need to think about, but I was happy tromping on the track of Blissful Ignorance for wee bit longer- because when someone talks about Training Plans... shit gets real... real quick! Cue Mrs Imposter Syndrome and her two lackies Signoras Self-Doubt and Self Sabotage, showing up at the Training plan party. Like I've said, I've known these chicas all my life and I've established different approaches to keep them in check, namely pretending to myself (and them) that I'm not attempting to do anything new, anything beyond my comfort zone, in fact- anything other than staying exactly where I am. They like it there... I'm safe. And when I'm safe, they're quiet. But here they are again...

So, when I know I want to do something new, or I've commited to a change/development which will take me on a new path, Imposter Syndrome goes all out to derail me ( the words in red are my indicators that she's lurking). To date, I've tried to manage her with three different approaches, and they go something like this:

1. Ostrich approach- once I've decided on a new path and I'm feeling ready to commit, the negative self talk starts. "What are you thinking?" The voice (Felicity) asks. "You're not good enough to do THAT!" Ah, you know maybe you're right, I think, as I stick my head firmly back in the ground, ostrich style, until the chatter stops. My head has been stuck in the sand for nearly four years whilst my Masters deadline looms on the horizon!

2. Meercat approach- The negative self talk is quiet (of course it is, I'm in exactly the same place I was before) so I'm ready to pop my head up, like a meercat, and take a look around. Maybe I'm ready to take the new path? Yes, I think, yes I am... Almost. Cue self-doubt and procrastination. Being the queen of #procrastitasks. I'll do anything but the job at hand; Once spending a whole day I'd dedicated to finishing my childrens story cleaning dirt out of the floorboards with a toothpick (yes, really!), before pulling my head back down into the dark.

3. Chicken appoach- The longer I'm in my safelty nest in the dark, the more restless I get and I'm ready ( I think!) to take some tentative steps back into the light. I'm clucking and creeping along the new path with a delicate confidence, head bobbing with each step, until I'm derailed by the bumps in the road and high anxiety and overthinking take over. The head bobbing becomes jittery and jerky and I take flight, fleeing from the path when the chinks in my armour are exposed. Self-sabotage drags me firmly back to the nest in the dark. My friend, Dove, and I have talked about starting a business for a looooong time; we took the first steps and... well, you can guess the rest!

So, you see, whilst these approaches may keep me safe, they also keep me stuck. They stop me putting myself in scary situations, but they don't help to get me where I want to be, which in this instance is walking the Camino Des Ingles (but it also applies to retraining, applying for a new job or putting a blog out into the world- as my twitter friends will attest to after my mental wrangling tweets this week). I know that I need to work on changing my limiting beliefs (that's where our Imposter System stems from, I believe) and I'll hopefully work on that as I travel along this path, but for now, I need a fourth approach. One that works alongside my Imposter Syndorme, whilst still moving me forwards.

And keeping with the animal theme- I've decided I need to BE MORE TORTOISE...

Tortoise approach- I know I'm not growing whilst I'm stuck in my safety nest in the dark. I want to get back on the path, and this time I'm taking my safe place with me. The tortoise-me, carries its home as its armour and knows it has everything it needs within itself. I trust that I will climb over the bumps in the road as I progress on this path with a slow, grounded approach. And when the voice says 'You've only made it this far along the path cos you got lucky!", and procrastination prevents me taking the fork in the road, or high anxiety and overthinking stop me in my tracks, I won't run backwards or stray from the path. I'll stop, ground myself and retreat into the safety of my shell, until I find the security and strength to start slowly along the path once more. Slow, steady and self-awareness wins the race.

So until now, I've Ostriched, Meercat-ed and in all honesly I'm Chickening my way through the training walks and the idea of a Training plan. But, I am aware that I'm overthinking, my anxiety is heightened and self-sabotage is on the horizon... so I'm preparing the tortoise gear ready for an outing. May the tortoise remind us to slow down, ground our thoughts and focus on what we want to achieve in the here and now. A Training Plan isn't scary, it isn't a list of all the miles I can't do, it's is a plan of all the miles I WANT TO DO. The miles are the steps on the road to help me suceed in my goals. Okay, *cracks knuckles* training plan here we come... right after I've sat in my safety nest in the dark for a bit!

Don't let Imposter Syndrome push you from your path, let it walk alongside you. But YOU control the pace, YOU are in charge of the steps... Walk YOUR way!

Footnote: My hope was to include the Training plan here, so that you could Walk Your Way with me in your own home town, if you fancied it. But old habits die hard and I got a bit overwhelmed with how I was going to fit in all the training around, well, LIFE, and I got as far as deciding that each week will include a fast walk, a hill walk and a long walk (which will increase by a mile or two each week) before I had to stop and retreat into my shell. But I'm still on the path, I'm just finding the strength I need to move forward.

I know I'm not alone in Imposter Syndrome. When does yours show up? What are your indicators? And how the heck do you manage it? (Asking for a friend :)) Let me know in the comments...